“Agency, not control.”
A Q&A with Molly Dickens on parental stress and raising kids online
This week, we were proud to be part of the launch for A Parent’s Guide to Digital Safety: Helping Kids Navigate Online Risks and Build Healthy Habits, created by Stanford University’s Social Media Lab in collaboration with the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI) and the California Partners Project.
For parents concerned about online harms, the guide offers clear definitions and examples of digital risks so families have the awareness and information they need to engage thoughtfully — not fearfully.
The resource comes at an important time: parents say parenting today is harder than in previous generations, with technology cited as the number one reason.
The connection between technology and parental stress feels impossible to ignore. For years, parents have been navigating an online world that changes daily, absorbing a constant stream of warnings about what technology might do to their children, while somehow being expected to remain calm and present through it all.
Now add AI to the mix. One study found that over half of parents know little to nothing about the safety features in AI products that a teen might use, and 84% are concerned about AI misusing kids’ and teens’ personal information.
Stress physiologist and women’s health advocate Molly Dickens PhD studies how these perceived threats shape our minds and bodies. In this conversation, she explains why modern parenting can feel so overwhelming—and why the goal for families shouldn’t be perfect control, but a greater sense of agency.
What Stress Actually Does to the Body
Carolyn Gan: What happens in our bodies when we are experiencing stress?
Molly Dickens: I’ll first point out that “stress” as a word can get pretty ambiguous. It can be used to describe feeling overwhelmed, it can be used to explain why we get sick, and everything in between. For your question, let’s go to the most basic level: how do things in our external environment—the challenges we face, the worries and anxieties that we have—settle into our bodies in a way that can affect our health?
First, I want to point out that the way our brain and body responds to stressors in our environment is actually part of an important, adaptive physiological system. The way the stress signal travels across our body when we face a challenge relates to survival in that “human-ancestor-on-the-savanna” kind of way.
The problem is that we are modern humans in a modern world, and we have a tendency to overactivate these pathways. But the stress response was never intended to be activated multiple times in a row, sustained for long periods of time. This can push the system beyond its adaptive capacity, knocking everything out of whack or creating what we call “wear-and-tear.”
That’s when you start to see negative effects of stress: for example, how chronic activation of the cardiovascular system can show up as cardiovascular health issues; effects on the metabolic system can lead to Type 2 diabetes; connections with the immune system can lead to autoimmune diseases. Over 80% of human health issues are considered stress-related illnesses because of the way stress can initiate or exacerbate them.
Parenting in a “Rapid-Fire” Stress Environment
CG: We often hear from families that what is happening online takes that normal, adaptive stress up a notch. How do you see that kind of stress shaping family dynamics?
MD: Going back to that basic level of how our brain logs external challenges as stressors worth responding to, let’s bring in the question: what are we perceiving as stress? Why is our brain sending the signal to our body that this thing/event/challenge is essentially a matter of survival?
A few key elements triggering that stress response in our brain include: lack of control, unpredictability, and novelty. All important when responding to potentially life-threatening challenges once in a while, but also highly present in our lives as modern parents. So now we’re applying these same filters to a range of things we encounter across our day, week, life. Especially when it comes to the “what’s happening online” problem.
On top of that, we also worry about things that may or may not even happen. This is anticipatory stress: how we project what it means for them to encounter scary things now or what it means for their future. Anticipatory stress extends to those unknowns about what our kids might be exposed to without us knowing. So when you think about the rapid changes that we have with our digital space, [parents are anticipating and reacting to] the potential dangers that we don’t even know about, but we’ve heard about.
CG: That anticipatory stress that you’re talking about is very real. And the fear of potential dangers that you don’t know about, but you’ve heard about. We encourage parents to pinpoint what they’re really concerned about.
MD: What you have in the [Tech/Life Balance family guides], starting from that place of pinpointing, is so key. Yes, lack of control is a stress trigger, but it is impossible to be completely in control as a parent, especially in that context. [Pinpointing and naming] really hits that sweet spot where parents can have a sense of agency rather than expecting full control.
The other part I really like with your family guide is that it’s not prescriptive. It’s “what works for you?” How do we tailor this to your deepest concerns? Here’s how we can kind of soften the fears around it, set a trajectory of things that can be done, things you can learn about. There are conversations you can have, there’s ways to collaborate within your family. Again, it’s not about having tight control, it’s about having a sense of agency.
CG: I love that. Agency, not control.
MD: How do you kind of find that sweet spot? It’s really hard, but that’s a healthy zone to aim for.
The Stress Parents Absorb from Their Kids
CG: I read your wonderful article “Could *intensive parenting* be a subconscious form of... stress management?” about how even though we may not notice our kids’ stress, we might still be absorbing it. I’ve thought about it so many times since then, when things have come up with my kids. How are you thinking now about whether or not parents and children share a nervous system?
MD: I started thinking about all of this after a friend said to me, “our nervous systems are connected” to describe how a tough situation her child was going through was affecting her. I’ve heard something similar to this from other parents too, like: “when they’re sad, I’m sad.” So I started digging to see if there was any science to explain that.
There is a relatively young field of stress research called “empathic stress” that I find especially fascinating here. It’s focused on the question of whose stress is affecting us? We can have self-stress: the stressors that we are directly exposed to. But there is also empathic, vicarious-stress: the way we respond to someone else being exposed to stressors.
Empathic stress implies that we are physically impacted by the stress of others. And research is starting to show that women’s health is more affected by empathic stress than men. Now, this is not because there’s a biological difference in women being more empathic (though it may relate to how women have been socialized to be more empathic). But overall, it does suggest that women are more likely to see and absorb the stress of those around us. The research is limited in terms of direct child-to-parent empathic stress and how it affects them and their health. But early research suggests that this is real too.
And here’s the real kicker with empathic stress in parenting: it includes not just the stress that IS affecting our kids, but also the stress that could affect them. As parents, just thinking about the potential stress our kids are experiencing can be internalized as stress.
In this murky world of the digital space where we don’t know what our kids are encountering, we inevitably worry about what they could encounter. We may be internalizing that in a way that’s unhealthy for us, without even realizing it.
Why So Many Parents Feel Like They’re Failing
CG: How can we talk about digital well-being without putting all of that stress and responsibility on individual parents?
MD: I do worry about how parents too often feel like they are failing when it comes to the messaging around digital well-being. If they’re not doing the thing they’ve been told to do. Or if they worry they should have done something earlier. Or if they tried to follow advice and it didn’t work for them.
A lot of the advice in the digital space is generalized when it should be a nuanced conversation. To have this overlying fear of failure–what it means about you as a parent, or what it means about your child– unnecessarily raises the stakes. That feeling of failure adds so much unnecessary weight to the parental stress load.
Guilt comes into this, too. Too much of the messaging around digital use and screen time is negative and fear-based. That is what I appreciate about your Family Guide. It’s not coming at this issue from a fear-based perspective. Instead it opens up to individual nuance: What are my core values? Who are we as a family? What does my child need? What does our family need? What are our circumstances right now? What are the issues that we’re working within our constraints?
CG: Thank you. We’ve always been very clear that parents know what is right for their families, what brings them joy and makes them feel connected. And then how can technology enhance that instead of eroding it? We’re not anti-technology, we are pro-childhood.
Often, when parents are saying yes to more online time, or even getting a kid a first device, it’s because of a family constraint. Maybe it’s summertime, and there’s no camps that are available. Or I’m working until 6, but the kids get home at 2:30. How do all of those broader structural issues show up in the emotional climate of a home?
MD: Oftentimes, as parents, our focus is completely centered on what’s best for our kids. But if we’re unhealthy because we’re overstretched, that’s not good for anyone, right? This goes back to your framework: find how all of this works within your family, and have some wiggle room to accommodate shifts in needs/priorities.
The first thing that came to mind with the framing of your question was my own parenting experience during COVID. I had a 4- and a 6-year-old [at the start of lockdown]. I was of the generation of parents who came into parenting with very strict screen time recommendations: do not let a toddler anywhere near a screen, very limited use for any kid under five.
Then lockdown happened, and there goes childcare. Like so many parents, we were trying to work from home, but we had these two little humans who needed our time. And a big saving grace was when the messaging around screen time shifted to: Some screen time is okay! Do what you need to do! My kids spent a lot of time on the PBS Kids app.
I think of that example because it’s a reminder that it’s okay to prioritize yourself sometimes and find what works best for everyone in your family. In an ideal situation, we would have all the systems and structures in place to make the absolute best decision ever, according to every expert out there. But that’s not reality. We have to factor constraints into that.
Finding Stress Buffers
CG: Our approach at the California Partners Project is tech/life balance. Technology can be amazing, but algorithms also create pressure to optimize everything. Having an Instagram-worthy family photo gives me great stress. What does a more realistic, healthy vision of balance with technology actually look like for families today?
MD: Why is it that having that perfect Instagram family photo brings you stress? I would imagine there are probably elements of social comparison there, there’s elements of putting your best image out there, worrying about what people think of you, that drive to “optimize”. There’s probably some complexity to why that is a stressor for you and, likely, a whole lot more mothers out there!
Social comparison can be a stressor but socialization and access to community can have the opposite effect. Socializing is a known stress buffer. We can do this without technology—and the social stress we may associate with it—by doing things like going for a walk with a friend, meeting up for coffee, etc. But we also need to recognize that, for some people, their community, their place to socialize, exists in the digital space so technology is part of it.
I don’t love the word “balance” because over-reliance on this as a target can set up that feeling of failure. So maybe it’s more about understanding or embracing the always-shifting dynamic, knowing how everyone in your family unit is different and how different people see different challenges as stressors.
I don’t have the magic bullet for clearing out all stress, because again, we exist in a stressful world. The focus should be more on what reduces the stress load for you. What lifts the weight off? How do you gain access to that? Then have that conversation with those that you’re trying to achieve balance with to make sure everyone has relatively equal access to what they need.
CG: I love the idea of a stress buffer. What are some of those stress buffers for you, personally?
MD: Having time to shut off and be in nature is a big one for me. We’re going camping this weekend, digital detox camping. I have a real camera so I don’t even have to use my phone for a camera. For me, I know I need to shut off, I need to be with my people in a way that is removed from the day-to-day and out of routine so it shifts my focus.
Just like stressors, stress buffers are tuned to the individual. Ideally, we wouldn’t be encountering any stressors, but that’s not reality, right? So how do we soften the way that our brain computes the weight? For me, part of the buffer is quieting everything down, either I can be removed from the day-to-day just enough or I can have some degree of distraction that softens the way I play things out in my brain.
The classic stress management advice—exercise, sleep, meditation, etc.—those are all great tools, but stress shouldn’t only be an individual problem with individual fixes. Those can’t be the only things that we are doing to address parental stress. As a society, we have to think more broadly: how do we clear out some of the stressors parents are exposed to? How do we soften the way that parents perceive the stressors in their lives?
CG: I hope that camping this weekend will be a welcome stress buffer for your family, and a time to reconnect and to be away from devices.
MD: Thank you.
Your Turn!
Stress is a normal human response to the pressures and uncertainties of modern life. But when stress becomes constant, it can start to affect our health, relationships, and sense of well-being. Inspired by our conversation with Molly Dickens, here are a few ways parents can move from overwhelm toward greater clarity and agency:
1. Pinpoint the actual concern
Before jumping into restrictions or solutions, try getting specific about what’s actually worrying you. Is it sleep? Social comparison? AI chatbots? Clarifying the concern can help families develop a more focused approach and resist overwhelm.
2. Find your stress buffers
Molly Dickens describes “stress buffers” as the things that soften the weight of daily life. That might be a walk with a friend, gardening, or simply time away from your phone. What helps your nervous system settle?
3. Consider the constraints you’re parenting within
Many technology decisions happen because families are working around real-life limitations: childcare gaps, work schedules, exhaustion, illness, lack of support. Context matters. A “good” decision for one family may not work for another right now (or ever).
4. Focus on agency, not control
Control can feel impossible in a 24/7 digital world. Instead, focus on identifying where you have agency: clarifying your concerns, having conversations about them, co-creating solutions that work for your family and your values. Give yourself some wiggle room when circumstances or priorities shift.
For more perspectives on parenting in a digital age, start here:
Dad and youth coach Tom Poser on connecting offline:
“Want some anti-screen moments? Get into sports.”
Educator and parent Shafia Zaloom on earning teens’ trust:
“Our silence speaks louder than our words.”
A personal essay on raising males:
When we talk about body image, we usually picture girls. Maybe we shouldn’t.